When the Mother Is Not Safe: Narcissistic Abuse in Childhood
Mothers are often idealized as naturally nurturing, caring and emotionally attuned. For many children however, this is not their lived reality. When a mother is emotionally unavailable, self-centered, or unable to recognize the child as a separate being with their own needs, the impact can be very severe with long-term consequences for the child’s emotional, psychological and identity development (Costin, 2020).
These dynamics are often overlooked and sometimes even denied by society, leaving many people to doubt their own childhood experiences or to completely suppress their reality. This article explores this subject from a deeply trauma-informed perspective, illustrating common relational dynamics, their psychological impact on the child and long-term consequences of this unresolved trauma in adulthood.
Although the focus here is on narcissistic mothers, similar patterns can of course occur with fathers or other primary caregivers. The underlying relational dynamics and their impact on identity development are often comparable. The reason for centering the mother in this article is that this specific constellation often remains underrecognized and insufficiently explored both socially and in research, especially due to the persistent cultural image of the mother as nurturing and selfless.
The narcissistic mother: common patterns and attachment dynamics
From the outside, narcissistic mothering may be especially difficult to identify, because it often happens through subtle and relational dynamics that can be challenging to recognize, especially when the mother is outwardly functioning and perceived as caring by others. Narcissistic patterns have their roots in the mother’s own unresolved trauma, functioning as survival strategies that protect her from facing her own wounds.
It is important to acknowledge that narcissistic traits exist on a spectrum. A mother does not need to embody every pattern described here for harm and trauma to occur. Some may have more self-centered or emotionally immature behaviors, while others may be more controlling and exploitative. What matters is the degree, frequency, and intensity of these dynamics and how this is subjectively and internally experienced and perceived by the child. Even subtle, chronic patterns of emotional unavailability, guilt, or conditional love can deeply affect a child’s development. Below is a list of some of the most common behavioral patterns associated with narcissistic abuse:
Gaslighting & emotional manipulation:
One of the central dynamics in narcissistic mothering is the use of gaslighting and emotional manipulation, where the mother dismisses the child’s reality, feelings, or needs, and actively denies their experiences (Määttä & Uusiautti, 2018). Common statements that children frequently hear are for example: “you are too sensitive,” “you are imagining things,” “that never happened,” or “you are exaggerating.” At times, the child may even be blamed for the mother’s emotional reactions, and being told “you made me feel this way” or “if you behaved differently, I would not have to react like this.” This is a form of psychological control, causing the child to feel guilty and ashamed.
As children, we learn not to trust our inner experience. We may begin to question our own memories, emotions, and perceptions, thereby relying on our mother’s version of reality instead of our own. Over time, this often creates deep self-doubt and confusion for what is real or valid.
Emotional unavailability & immaturity:
Another common characteristic is emotional unavailability or immaturity (Hart et al., 2017). The mother may be physically present, but emotionally unresponsive, inconsistent, or primarily attuned to her own needs. This often leads to role reversal or emotional parentification. Instead of being supported, the child becomes emotionally responsible for their mother. The mother uses her child to regulate her emotions, to feel seen, loved and to receive validation, leading to a severe role confusion and psychological entanglement between mother and child. This can also show up as guilt manipulation, where the mother may say things like, “After everything I have done for you…”, or “You are breaking my heart”. Such statements often shift emotional responsibility onto the child, where instead of taking accountability for her own feelings, the mother places the burden on the child to repair, reassure, or regulate her.
As children we learn that we need to have our focus outward and attune to our mother’s emotional needs (Estlein et al., 2024), and thereby suppressing and disconnecting from our own inner experience. Setting boundaries or disagreeing comes at the cost of the mother’s emotional stability, and makes it impossible for children to develop a healthy autonomy and sense of self.
Conditional love & approval:
Another common dynamic is conditional love. Praise may come when the child achieves, complies, looks a certain way, or supports the mother’s emotional needs and self-image. This can sound like: “I am so proud of you when you behave like this...”, “Do not embarrass me.” “You used to be such a good girl…” “After everything I sacrificed for you, this is how you repay me?” Warmth or support is often withdrawn when the child expresses anger, sadness, disagreement, or independence.
As children we learn that we feel valued for what we provide and how we function rather than for who we truly are. Over time, this severely impacts our sense of self-worth (Lee & Lee, 2025), and can lead to people-pleasing or chronic anxiety regarding disappointing others.
Silent treatment:
Another pattern is the use of silent treatment or emotional withdrawal. Instead of addressing conflict openly, the mother may ignore the child for hours or days, avoid eye contact, or become cold and distant after feeling criticized, disappointed, or challenged.
In this dynamic, emotional withdrawal becomes a form of punishment. Rather than resolving tension, connection itself is removed. This sudden loss of connection can feel deeply threatening. As children we may try to repair by apologizing repeatedly, being extra helpful, and internalizing that what happened is our fault.
Triangulation:
Triangulation occurs when a mother creates competition, comparison, or conflict between her children in order to maintain control and remain at the emotional center of the family (Costin, 2020). Instead of helping siblings to form a safe and supportive connection, she subtly positions them against each other.
This can look like labeling one child as the “easy” or “successful” one and another as the “difficult” or “problem” child. It may involve statements such as, “Why can you not be more like your sister/brother?” or “Your brother/sister would never treat me like this.” At times, the mother may tell one child what the other supposedly said, or is sharing private information to create mistrust and conflict.
Through this dynamic, the children’s attention shifts toward competing for approval or defending themselves, rather than forming a secure bond with one another. Divided children are easier to manage and to control. When siblings are in rivalry or tension, the mother remains the central figure who defines reality, distributes approval, and regulates closeness.
The impact on our identity development from an IoPT perspective
From an IoPT perspective (Identity-oriented Psychotrauma Theory), the most significant impact of growing up with a narcissistic mother is the disruption of the development of a healthy I.
IoPT looks closely at early trauma based on our relational and attachment dynamics with our primary caregivers. Already in the womb, many people can experience severe trauma, by feeling unwanted and perceiving their mothers’ unconscious rejection: “I am not allowed to exist as I am.” In IoPT, this is called the Trauma of Identity, and is the earliest trauma that we can experience in our trauma biography (Ruppert, 2019). Because survival depends on connection, our psyche and nervous system always choose attachment at the cost of developing a healthy autonomy and sense of self.
In IoPT, this is described as the Split Self (Ruppert & Broughton, 2012), where suppressed feelings like anger, sadness, loneliness or despair are split off from the conscious and these trauma feelings are unconsciously avoided, denied and repressed. The survival parts take over to ensure our daily functioning, and we adapt to our environment at the cost of not being connected to our actual needs and feelings. Oftentimes, the nervous system fluctuates between hypervigilance and overfunctioning (hyperarousal) and complete shutdown, numbing and dissociation (hypoarousal).
The consequences of the inner psychological split are long-term and oftentimes severe. We lose connection with ourselves, our feelings, and needs and instead become outwardly oriented to stay safe. What makes this especially traumatic is that the very person meant to support the formation of a coherent identity and safe attachment becomes the source of our trauma and inner fragmentation. Rather than being held and supported through coregulation to develop a stable and healthy sense of self, our psyche learns to organize itself around survival.
Long term impact in adulthood
The survival strategies that have once protected us in childhood do not simply disappear with age. Unresolved trauma leaves a deep imprint in our body, psyche and nervous system and continues to unconsciously impact our relationships, self-perception, nervous system and general life in adulthood.
Common patterns and symptoms when growing up with a narcissistic mother are for example:
Chronic self-doubt: Questioning your own perception, memories, or reactions and often assuming you are overreacting or misunderstanding.
Difficulty trusting your feelings: Looking for others’ validation before making decisions because you don’t trust yourself.
Perfectionism: Feeling driven to perform, achieve, or function all the time in order to feel worthy or safe, or even feel the right to exist.
Fear of failure: Mistakes feel threatening and can trigger shame or the fear of being rejected by others.
People pleasing: You automatically prioritize others’ needs and adjust to their moods, often at the cost of your own boundaries and wellbeing.
Excessive guilt: Saying no, setting boundaries, or disappointing someone can feel overwhelming or impossible, even when your needs are important and reasonable.
Hypervigilance in relationships: Constantly scanning and being on the lookout for subtle changes in tone, mood, or energy in other people to try to prevent conflict or rejection.
Anxiety during conflict: Even minor disagreements can trigger panic, shutdown, or an urgent need to fix the situation.
Fear of abandonment: Distance, silence, or emotional withdrawal from others can feel deeply activating and trigger a fear of abandonment.
Attraction to unhealthy partners: Early relational dynamics can unconsciously be repeated in adult relationships. You may find yourself attracted to partners who are emotionally unavailable, critical, self-centered, dominant & controlling, or inconsistent and unstable.
Emotional shutdown or numbness: When situations feel overwhelming, you disconnect from your feelings and/or bodily sensations as a protective response.
Overfunctioning: Taking on too much responsibility, especially for others, until you feel exhausted or burnt out.
Difficulty identifying your own needs and desires: Questions like “What do I want?” ,“What do I need ?” or “What do I feel?” can feel confusing and difficult to answer without referring to others.
Low sense of self-worth: Feeling lovable only when you are achieving, being helpful, strong, or supportive to others.
Chronic hyperarousal: The body may be in a constant state of tension, alertness, or restlessness, making it hard to fully relax, pause and rest.
Narcissistic patterns: As a response to early relational trauma, some individuals may develop narcissistic traits themselves such as emotional detachment, grandiosity, control, or a strong need for admiration, as a way to protect against shame, powerlessness, and deep vulnerability.
As illustrated, these patterns and symptoms are the expression of chronic relational trauma. When we grow up in an environment where attachment is unstable, conditional, or emotionally unsafe, the consequences shape our entire identity and psychological structure. Identity confusion, unstable relationships, depression and anxiety, and even the development of narcissistic traits as survival strategies can emerge from this early fragmentation.
Learning to meet ourselves with compassion
Healing from a narcissistic parent is not simple. What often makes this journey especially complex is the deep inner conflict that arises. As children, we needed our mother for survival, because we were dependent on her for attachment, safety, and belonging. When harm comes from the very person we love and depend on, our psyche faces an impossible dilemma: in order to survive and stay connected, our truth, needs and feelings must be suppressed and split off.
As illustrated, this creates a deep inner split and different parts of the self arise. There may be parts that feel anger or even hatred toward our own mother for the harm that has caused. Other parts may still fear her disapproval or emotional intensity. And again other parts may desperately long for her warmth, love, and care. Yet there may also be parts that continue to protect her, minimize the trauma, or sacrifice themselves in order to preserve the illusion of a “good mother.” Other parts may identify with our mother, internalizing her rejection and disapproval so deeply that we begin to reject and disapprove of ourselves.
This shows how early trauma leads to deeply complex, inner dynamics and it is important to understand that these parts often carry conflicting needs and emotions at the same time, such as love and resentment, loyalty and rage, or longing and grief.
Healing begins by recognizing that these dynamics live in our own psyche. Bringing awareness to these parts is a powerful first step. In a safe and trauma-informed space, it becomes possible to gently explore our inner parts and externalize the psychological dynamics of our psyche. This process often involves reconnecting with suppressed emotions and bodily sensations that were once too overwhelming to feel. Acknowledging the depth of harm caused by our own mother may feel very challenging, especially when loyalty and a sense of protection toward her are still present.
At the same time, acknowledging that narcissistic patterns stem from our mother’s own unresolved trauma and generational trauma can support us in finding more clarity by better understanding the complexity of our own psyche and how we are wired for survival.
For many people, healing includes also a deep grieving process. Grieving the mother we needed but did not have. Grieving the childhood that required adaptation and survival instead of authentic expression. Grieving the parts of ourselves that had to survive at the cost of developing a healthy connection with ourselves. Here, working somatically is also very important, because trauma lives in our nervous system and body. Supporting the body to experience safety again through gentle practices to support regulation, grounding, and attuned relational experiences can help us to form new patterns and rewire our nervous system.
It is important to recognize that inner healing and nervous system regulation are gradual processes that require both deep inner work and intentional daily practice. Healing from narcissistic abuse is often a deep inner journey. The survival strategies that we formed in early childhood are not just patterns we can change overnight. Meeting and healing them requires patience, compassion, and a safe and supportive space. Real change happens when we are willing to gently turn toward our own inner world, to feel what was suppressed, to question familiar patterns, and to take responsibility for how we live and relate today.
This work takes time, is not linear, and there are no quick fixes. But with consistent inner work, supportive relationships, and practicing self-regulation, it is possible to build a sense of self and life that feels more grounded, authentic, and connected to who we truly are. 💛
✏️ Questions for Reflection:
As a child, how did I experience my mother’s emotional presence? Did I feel seen and understood, or mostly evaluated, corrected, or dismissed?
How does my body respond when I sense rejection or criticism?
Is there anything that feels unsafe about setting clear boundaries with others?
What would it mean for me to create a safe inner and outer space for my own healing?
If you feel called to be gently supported in your healing process from a trauma-informed and holistic perspective, you are so welcome to reach out. I offer 1:1 and group spaces both online and in-person in Oslo. 💛
With warmth and care,
Julia
References
Costin, A. (2020). SOCIAL AND EDUCATIONAL IMPLICATIONS REGARDING THE RAISING OF CHILDREN IN NARCISSISTIC FAMILIES. THEORETICAL APPROACH. Journal Plus Education, 27, 50-62.
Estlein, R., Gewirtz‐Meydan, A., & Finzi-Dottan, R. (2024). Maternal narcissism and child maladjustment: a dyadic study. Current Psychology, 43, 34705 - 34716.
Hart, C., Bush-Evans, R., Hepper, E., & Hickman, H. (2017). The children of narcissus: Insights into narcissists' parenting styles. Personality and Individual Differences, 117, 249-254.
Lee, W., & Lee, S. (2025). The Effects of Mother’s Covert Narcissism on Psychological Control of a child in Late Childhood: The Mediating Effect of Child-Based Self-Worth and the Difficulties in Emotion Regulation. Korean Association For Learner-Centered Curriculum And Instruction.
Määttä, S. M. A., & Uusiautti, S. (2018). "My life felt like a cage without an exit": narratives of childhood under the abuse of a narcissistic mother. Early child development and care. Advance online publication.
Ruppert, F., & Broughton, V. (Eds.). (2012). Symbiosis and autonomy: Symbiotic trauma and love beyond entanglements. Green Balloon Publishing.
Ruppert, F. (2019). Who am I in a traumatised and traumatising society? Green Pharmacy Balloon Publishing.